A turbulent month

I haven’t written on my blog for a while, mostly because I didn’t know what to say.

March was a month of big decisions. At least one big decision. In the face of a real offer to take up a position in different line of work in a different country I chose to stay where I am.

Given that, when I began the journey which resulted in the offer, I wanted that job more than anything it is amazing that in the end I turned it down with such peace.

What is far more remarkable is the profound inner healing that pursuing this path has brought me. The story is impossible to describe in this forum. Each step required leaning into the discomfort of my deepest fear. And at each step I was met with love, care, compassion and support.

When confronted with the fear of the next step, I was bolstered by the memory of stepping out of my comfort zone and being embraced with care just days or weeks before.

It never crossed my mind that applying for a job could turn out to be a profoundly transformative experience and yet it has been.

The faultline I once only recognised when I felt the interior earthquake in my being, is now much closer to the surface of my consciousness. I feel the friction of the small interactions and I am now much more able to make better choices. Choices which were not even available to me before.

I am left with profound hope. If such healing can happen in me in such an unexpected way, maybe just maybe there may be hope for our world. As hate speech spews from the newsfeed and daily allegations of corruption and dirty dealings are revealed, I believe more today than ever before that transformation is possible.

There is a cost – we need to allow ourselves to be changed and we need to lean into those places of discomfort which exist at the growing edges of our being.

It isn’t easy, and we need to support one another along the way. Perhaps the most challenging thing is that we need to let go of any idea we may have of what the change should look like. It is only when we step forward into the unknown in good faith that transformation is possible.

I wouldn’t have dared to start the process if I had known how taxing it would be, I couldn’t have imagined that this would be the outcome. Nothing external has changed in the least, but I am not the same person. I cannot adequately express my gratitude for the healing.